Friday, January 26, 2007
i feel so sick. not just physicalli..but yeah..maybe just now @ Pastor Victor's house, there were too many ppl there n too lil air. plus no FRESH air o.o can die ah...n yeah. maybe plus the tiredness - i feel so gross. like im gona get a fever soon or something 0_0 weird thing is - i remember feeling exactly the same last friday. haha maybe its connected..but yeah. it started to bother me a lil today. not the kind that makes me depresed n thinking the entire night, but the kind that u just feel unease, n disturbed. OH WELL - wad can anione do? i dun think anithing wld make me feel better so yeah. just gotta get used 2 it...n somehow become ok.
Well i realy thank God that I can leave for Toronto in 4 days. kinda excited..altho its not for a 'happy reason', there is some 'happiness' to it - fAMILy REUnioN! wahh. goona see cousins ( BLOOD RELATED COUSINS) that i've nv even met b4. so scary to think that way. but its the truth...so i guess in a way, intimidating..n excited..glad 2 be able to meet Uncles n Aunties that i havent seen for many many yrs =) im sure it'll make me think. n feel more...hmmm...happy. dun feel like i've been happy for quite some time...OH WELL. thats life. wad to do? just pray n hope that i'll be much better when i get back :)
In a way, God DID answer my prayers!
#1) Prayed that Popo will be saved: altho she wasnt physicalli saved, i sure hope she was spiritualli saved. i dun know for sure. no one knows for sure - but i think , her heart did move..so i certainly thank God that she let mommy n aunty pray with and for her in her last days
#2) Just 2 weeks ago - i was dying. honestly - dying inside. the thing i wanted the most was to leave this place. leave edmonton..it was so hard...to face reality..haha sounds so dramatic or something. but i remmeber how bad it was...how much i wanted to leave. n now - Praise God , I get 2 leave this place for 5 days. perhaps these 5 days will help me put my thoughts back straight, n heal my heart...what i wanted the most - God gave me :)
sigh. yup. its awesome. i wanan get away frm this. this feeling. of constant caring n concerning n noticing of someone who doesnt even care. who doesnt even know. who doesnt want 2 know. n i guess the part that hurt the most is. i dun matter animore. my existance is worth nothing to him
Well i realy thank God that I can leave for Toronto in 4 days. kinda excited..altho its not for a 'happy reason', there is some 'happiness' to it - fAMILy REUnioN! wahh. goona see cousins ( BLOOD RELATED COUSINS) that i've nv even met b4. so scary to think that way. but its the truth...so i guess in a way, intimidating..n excited..glad 2 be able to meet Uncles n Aunties that i havent seen for many many yrs =) im sure it'll make me think. n feel more...hmmm...happy. dun feel like i've been happy for quite some time...OH WELL. thats life. wad to do? just pray n hope that i'll be much better when i get back :)
In a way, God DID answer my prayers!
#1) Prayed that Popo will be saved: altho she wasnt physicalli saved, i sure hope she was spiritualli saved. i dun know for sure. no one knows for sure - but i think , her heart did move..so i certainly thank God that she let mommy n aunty pray with and for her in her last days
#2) Just 2 weeks ago - i was dying. honestly - dying inside. the thing i wanted the most was to leave this place. leave edmonton..it was so hard...to face reality..haha sounds so dramatic or something. but i remmeber how bad it was...how much i wanted to leave. n now - Praise God , I get 2 leave this place for 5 days. perhaps these 5 days will help me put my thoughts back straight, n heal my heart...what i wanted the most - God gave me :)
sigh. yup. its awesome. i wanan get away frm this. this feeling. of constant caring n concerning n noticing of someone who doesnt even care. who doesnt even know. who doesnt want 2 know. n i guess the part that hurt the most is. i dun matter animore. my existance is worth nothing to him
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
i like my blog. i like posting wadever i want n not being afraid of bad reponses. or being sad..maybe im feeling sorry for myself. maybe cuz my ex is comforting a heartbroken gurl. maybe im jealous. maybe i feel that she's luckier than me. maybe i nv realli got the comfort i needed. or maybe im just blaming other ppl right now.
i dun ever really know how to xpress my feelings. so i just say the situation. then perhaps u will understnad wad i mean.
i duno wad to say. he feels sad for her. he feels pain for her. he wants to comfort her. wad abt me. how come u can understand her pain. how come u can help her. u're willing to care for her. i know she's in pain. i know she needs concern. but. have u thought abt me? why do i always get put into situations that im suffereing in...cant he think abt wad i wld feel when u say something like that. wad do u want me to say. i dun even know
that's a whole lot of care there. am i being selfish? am i being mean? come on, she's in pain effie..u know how it feels. u know. u've xperienced it. how can u be so selfish n think abt urself. n pity urself right now. she needs u. no she doesnt. she has alot of ppl. tons. im sure she can do it. how come i didnt get all that. why do i sound so childish. that's cuz u didnt even tell ppl. true. so i brought it upon myself hey
n ppl are so stopid. i tell them to shut up. n wad do they do. they ask. maybe im just saying this cuz wad? i duno. stopid.
God. please help me...im being really unreasonable
i dun ever really know how to xpress my feelings. so i just say the situation. then perhaps u will understnad wad i mean.
i duno wad to say. he feels sad for her. he feels pain for her. he wants to comfort her. wad abt me. how come u can understand her pain. how come u can help her. u're willing to care for her. i know she's in pain. i know she needs concern. but. have u thought abt me? why do i always get put into situations that im suffereing in...cant he think abt wad i wld feel when u say something like that. wad do u want me to say. i dun even know
that's a whole lot of care there. am i being selfish? am i being mean? come on, she's in pain effie..u know how it feels. u know. u've xperienced it. how can u be so selfish n think abt urself. n pity urself right now. she needs u. no she doesnt. she has alot of ppl. tons. im sure she can do it. how come i didnt get all that. why do i sound so childish. that's cuz u didnt even tell ppl. true. so i brought it upon myself hey
n ppl are so stopid. i tell them to shut up. n wad do they do. they ask. maybe im just saying this cuz wad? i duno. stopid.
God. please help me...im being really unreasonable
Friday, January 19, 2007
its been exactly one month.
since i talked to him
since that happened
one month ago today..
i was crying my eyes out
i was confused. felt betrayed
didnt understand athing
my world came tumbling down
one month today...
i feel much better
i saw him again. at that same exact time
it was weird n yes.
my world..is slowly getting back to shape.
one month after today...
i hope to be frens with him again
to be recovered frm all pain
to have the courage to overcome this
to forgive him n perhaps 2 treat him as a Brother in Christ
Yes God, thank you for ur support :) please gimme strength and courage to face this!!! KAMPATEI
since i talked to him
since that happened
one month ago today..
i was crying my eyes out
i was confused. felt betrayed
didnt understand athing
my world came tumbling down
one month today...
i feel much better
i saw him again. at that same exact time
it was weird n yes.
my world..is slowly getting back to shape.
one month after today...
i hope to be frens with him again
to be recovered frm all pain
to have the courage to overcome this
to forgive him n perhaps 2 treat him as a Brother in Christ
Yes God, thank you for ur support :) please gimme strength and courage to face this!!! KAMPATEI
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Quotes
(very meaningful. n definetely something i can relate to..)
-A sad thing about life is when you meet someone that means a lot to you, only to find out in the end, that it wasn’t meant to be and you just have to let go
-Everyone always told me i deserve better than you
but what no one realizes is that your all i've ever wanted...
your everything thats ever mattered to me
and i dont care what they all think of me..
-You want the truth i smile
so that you wont see these tears run down my face
and laugh so that maybe you'll see how happy i am without you..
huh funny how im not happy without you
but the only thing i want is for you to believe im fine without you
-I loved you with all my heart i guess it just wasnt good enough
-What do you do when the only one you love.. doesnt love you back?
-If your gonna be two-faced about it then at least make one of them pretty
-It hurts to see someone
Walk away from you
But what hurts most is
when they made youFeel loved...Made you fall for them...Made you believe they loved you...
But they never really did....
-The hardest part of holding on is letting go
-I know what you say are just empty words, but I still choose to believe them... for those are the words that give me the strength to hold on.
-No pain compares to the pain of loving someone and knowing they will never love you back...
-Smile so the tears dont fall,laugh like you never been hurt before,fake it so he'll never knowthat you still haven't let him go
-i try to hate you...but i can't. It's hard to hate someone who has been the best thing that has ever happend to you
-Isn't it sad that when you have so much pain in your heart, the only person you want to talk to and can make you stop crying,is exactly the same person who made you cry?
-& you dont need to say sorry....you dont need to say you cared....cause i shouldve known all along it wasnt really there
-It's when your heart breaks and hurts to the point where you just can't hold on any longer and then you finally Consider...maybe letting go.
-I've let myself fall for you one too many times.
-I walked up to you,
Just to see you smile.
I tried hard not to cry,
I haven't in a while.
The reason I cry,
Day in and day through,
Is because I knowI 'll never be with you
..its amazing how many ppl are going thru the same thing as u. it makes me really sad actually..to know that they are so many ppl hurting like that out there.. sigh. its hard - i wonder when this will be over...feel really sad for them :(
(very meaningful. n definetely something i can relate to..)
-A sad thing about life is when you meet someone that means a lot to you, only to find out in the end, that it wasn’t meant to be and you just have to let go
-Everyone always told me i deserve better than you
but what no one realizes is that your all i've ever wanted...
your everything thats ever mattered to me
and i dont care what they all think of me..
-You want the truth i smile
so that you wont see these tears run down my face
and laugh so that maybe you'll see how happy i am without you..
huh funny how im not happy without you
but the only thing i want is for you to believe im fine without you
-I loved you with all my heart i guess it just wasnt good enough
-What do you do when the only one you love.. doesnt love you back?
-If your gonna be two-faced about it then at least make one of them pretty
-It hurts to see someone
Walk away from you
But what hurts most is
when they made youFeel loved...Made you fall for them...Made you believe they loved you...
But they never really did....
-The hardest part of holding on is letting go
-I know what you say are just empty words, but I still choose to believe them... for those are the words that give me the strength to hold on.
-No pain compares to the pain of loving someone and knowing they will never love you back...
-Smile so the tears dont fall,laugh like you never been hurt before,fake it so he'll never knowthat you still haven't let him go
-i try to hate you...but i can't. It's hard to hate someone who has been the best thing that has ever happend to you
-Isn't it sad that when you have so much pain in your heart, the only person you want to talk to and can make you stop crying,is exactly the same person who made you cry?
-& you dont need to say sorry....you dont need to say you cared....cause i shouldve known all along it wasnt really there
-It's when your heart breaks and hurts to the point where you just can't hold on any longer and then you finally Consider...maybe letting go.
-I've let myself fall for you one too many times.
-I walked up to you,
Just to see you smile.
I tried hard not to cry,
I haven't in a while.
The reason I cry,
Day in and day through,
Is because I knowI 'll never be with you
..its amazing how many ppl are going thru the same thing as u. it makes me really sad actually..to know that they are so many ppl hurting like that out there.. sigh. its hard - i wonder when this will be over...feel really sad for them :(
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
yeah. not so much confusion animore. its anger now.
more mad n sad than anything. i think i shall retreat and hide myself. get a new life within the old and avoid.
avoid. avoid. avoid.
being mad makes things easier. n makes me sadder. well. at least im suffering for his happiness. that's always good.
more mad n sad than anything. i think i shall retreat and hide myself. get a new life within the old and avoid.
avoid. avoid. avoid.
being mad makes things easier. n makes me sadder. well. at least im suffering for his happiness. that's always good.
Sunday, January 07, 2007
anger + forgiveness = havent completely understood the situation so person does not know what side to take.
A mixture of opposite emotions causes the individual to be lost and confused about one self. being stuck in a unsettled and unsatisfied situation.
what to do? how to feel? what to feel? do u just go on? just. find a situation that u want urself to believe it even when u dunno if its right. the one that u BELIEVE may be true. the one that says - this is what i think the person is because that is what I have learnt abt his personality. trusting my own judgements - is that too risky? is that in fact, running away frm the truth?
A mixture of opposite emotions causes the individual to be lost and confused about one self. being stuck in a unsettled and unsatisfied situation.
what to do? how to feel? what to feel? do u just go on? just. find a situation that u want urself to believe it even when u dunno if its right. the one that u BELIEVE may be true. the one that says - this is what i think the person is because that is what I have learnt abt his personality. trusting my own judgements - is that too risky? is that in fact, running away frm the truth?
